Processing...

As many of you know, or may not know, I am in the process of applying to seminary, Biblical Theological Seminary in Hatfield, PA to be exact. The reactions I've gotten when I've told people has ranged from "Why would you want to do that?" to "Go for it!" Some have not opined as of yet and honestly I don't quite care to hear everyone's opinion on the matter because it has no sway over my decision. the journey towards this has been a long one and I think I went the roundabout way instead of the straight and narrow way. After I came back from South Africa I didn't quite know what to do with myself. The first few months I took a well deserved rest, but after some time I became a bit stir crazy and tried my hand at various things but did not see them through. Everything I tried to do for myself seemed to not stick. I applied to some schools, attended some classes and even started master's degree program but did not make it past a term. I have always wanted to learn more and to study more but nothing caught my attention and I quickly became bored with it all and stopped. The desire has always been there and the ability, I hope, is there to complete a program but for a few years I've felt listless, but not so much anymore. For about a month now it's been slowly building in the back of my mind that I need to do this that if I don't pursue this then I may not get another opportunity. I heard a pastor once say that God is patient but his patience doesn't last forever. That feeling hasn't left me.

I've been feeling a mixture of regret and excitement. Regret because of all the time I have wasted in finally getting to the point where I've said to God, "Not my will, but your will be done." Excitement because it finally feels like my life has a trajectory again that's not dependent on the mood swings of a fiance or on taking what's around because life has nothing better to offer. I don't think it is wise to be too harsh when judging myself concerning this because everything I've done and seen have all shaped me into who I am. Could I have come to these realizations sooner? Probably. Maybe two months back I blogged about my trip to PA and what it jump-started in my heart. After years of running and trying to live my life for myself I have finally come to understand that my life is not my own, my life belongs to God. When we choose to follow Jesus we give up our lives to his will, not ours. Grace extends salvation to us for free, we cannot do anything to merit it but once it is received we owe God our lives in service to him and to others. As a result I have been immersing myself in the word and in teaching. I've been devouring sermons from Tim Keller, Mark Driscoll, and John Piper. As I have been doing this God has slowly started to open my heart again and I have been remembering things he had previously shown me. The other day I was listening to a sermon on the spiritual gifts and while the speaker was teaching I was struck by what he said because what he was discussing was similar to experiences I had in the past, and I felt God remind me of occasions where I was able to use those gifts. It was a really beautiful experience because I was reminded of what was and was given a glimpse of what could be. Oddly, it was frightening as well because it brought up things that I had thought were either dormant or no longer there. I am being vague on purpose but only because I'm still trying to process everything.

Some of you may read this and think well good for you but not understand. Many won't understand because it is difficult to explain the call especially when I've done my best to either avoid it directly or push it into the background in the hopes it would fade away. One of my professors once said that people blithely pursue ministry not understanding what it entails, what it requires of us, and what God requires of us. The fact that I've spent so long trying to avoid it just reinforces the fact that it is what God is requiring of me. The prophet Jeremiah spoke of it when he said, "But if I say, 'I will not mention him or speak anymore in his name' his word is in my heart like a burning fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."