Lent and beyond

(I wrote this awhile back but added a lot more to it today)

Lent: the time of year when Christians give up something they desire, want, have, or struggle with for 40 days. (Because that's what Jesus died for: us not being able to eat meat on Fridays, abstinence, and giving up something trivial like chocolate. What happens after the 40 days are up? Is it okay to do again the behaviour we were trying to give up when Lent started?) Okay maybe sarcasm here is not warranted. I actually like Lent a lot and the whole idea behind it. Sometimes it pains me that I grew up in an independent uber-pentecostal denomination which eschewed any sort of liturgical formalism because to do so was being traditional and dry. Such things were frowned upon and our denomination considered itself "full gospel" (whatever that means) because we were free of the shackles of ritualism. But a little ritual and tradition is good, some of us need structure and a degree of formalism. I like Lent because it structures a time when we are to focus on the unselfish act of Christ by giving away a part of our selfish selves to prayer and discipline.

The point of Lent is for us to give to God something we need to give away, whether it be chocolate, sex, swearing, or alcohol. But the focus is not and should not be for us just to try and change our behavior. The Bible is filled with stories of people who tried to fulfill the law and failed miserably. Lent is about aligning our nature with God's nature, to let our will give way to his will, even if its just for 40 days. It's a time where we strive to loosen the bonds of the lust of the flesh and attempt to live a life focused on the spirit. So I may not rub ashes on my forehead, and I may not attend a formalized service, but as a believer I can still celebrate in my own way.
There are some things I have decided to lay down this season which I hope by the end of I will be able to leave behind, hopefully I can. My prayer for myself, and for whoever reads this, is that as my own strength lessens that the strength and will from God will increase, and that I will be able to hear the still whisper of the Father whilst drowning out the cacophony of voices trying to sway my attention away from him. I like a verse in Ecclesiastes which reads something like this," Don't make rash promises to God. When you make a promise to God don't delay in following through for God takes no pleasure in fools." I find that quite sobering. I have also found that the things I've vowed to give up aren't necessarily bad things in and of themselves, but they can be indicative of a greater struggle against something inside.

This year I feel a pressure like never before. It isn't necessarily a bad pressure but I feel something on the horizon taking shape and forming out of a sort of spiritual primordial ooze. Something important is coming and I need to be ready, not just outwardly but inwardly. At the same time though I feel a lethargy trying to sneak in and direct my attention away, combine this with a loneliness that comes and goes and it makes for a potent distraction. That's why Lent is so powerful because like I mentioned earlier it shifts the focus from our needs or wants to Christ who ultimately being the Alpha and the Omega is the salve our searching souls need. I may not keep all my vows this Lent, but I try my hardest and hopefully this year my spiritual discipline will keep me focused past Easter, and like Kara hearing the music that shows her the way to Earth, I'll be able to stay on course to where I need to be regardless of whatever distractions arise.

The psalmist wrote that the sacrifices God accepts and desires are from a contrite heart and a broken spirit, may my heart and soul be broken and contrite before him.

Selah

Selah.

This little word appears throughout the Psalms and Habakkuk and has generated a firestorm of debate on what the word means, its etymology, and it's proper use. Luckily for me there is a general consensus on its proper use and meaning, or else this would be the shortest blog in the history of blogs. An example is found in Psalm 66:4,

"All the Earth bows down to you; they sing praise to you, they sing praise to your name." Selah

It's use here can indicate either a break or musical interlude in the Psalm, or it could mean a pause to stop and reflect on what previously said. Regardless of its literal usage both meanings have one idea in common: to pause. More specifically to pause and weigh what has been said. In all probability when this word appears it usually means that something very important has just been said and that the listener needs to think and reflect back on what was said and done. This fits in line with Jewish traditions specifically because when you look at Jewish tradition you see a theme of remembrance and promises running through it. The Psalms are replete with people worshiping God and remembering the things he has done for them in the past with the expectant hope that he will continue to work for their good in the future. The temptation while writing this is to go down the expected path and mention something along the lines of we should all slow down every once in awhile and enjoy life, or listen more often to others, or sit in meditative silence. I am not going to go that route however because everyone else has and I see something different at work.

The more I think about it the more I believe that Selah is more akin to awe then to a mere pause, interlude, or reflection. Think about it, in the scriptures where God is exalted it usually comes after a passage of importance. This happens not because we need to consider if what was said is accurate, or true, or profound because the very fact it appears already means those three things. What it does mean is that the reader should take what was just said and through it become more aware of the character and person of God resulting in awe of who He is, what He has done, and what He will continue to do for His people. Abraham Heschel defined awe as something that is not just an emotion; it is an act of appreciative insight into meaning greater then ourselves, and what higher meaning beyond ourselves is there other than knowing God? Heschel also said that awe is the answer of the heart and the mind to the presence of mystery in all things. Colossians 1:26-27 says,

“This message was kept secret for centuries and generations past, but now it has been revealed to God’s people. For God wanted them to know that the riches and glory of Christ are for you Gentiles, too. And this is the secret: Christ lives in you.

Christ lives in me. If you believe in Him then Christ lives in you as well. Everything spiritual, mystical, temporal, and eternal all culminates in the person and work of Christ, and he lives in us if we believe in Him and what his sacrifice accomplished for humanity. What else could be our response to something like that except gratitude, humility, and unquenchable awe? Selah indeed.

Motion

One of Sir Isaac Newton's laws, I believe it is his third law of motion, states, "Every object in a state of motion tends to remain in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it." For example if you roll a ball across a floor it will continue to roll unless somethings stops it. In this case that could be divots in the carpet, or friction with the air but it will continue to move until something makes it stop. (If you're reading this then don't worry, there won't be any more science for the rest of the blog so breathe a sigh of relief unless you like that sort of thing). I have noticed that this principle works not only with the physical sciences but also with a myriad of other things we experience even spilling over into our emotional and spiritual lives.

Since it's a blog, and blogs by their very nature are borderline narcissistic anyways, I'm going to use my own experiences as an example to highlight the point I just made. Many times in our live we have goals, dreams, things we strive to do and be. No matter how high a goal we set for ourselves most of us start off with verve and zest and as time passes the verve and zest turns into apathy. God may give us an idea or we may make decisions about our lives and things we want or need to do but then we lay those decisions down or not take steps to implement them. For myself I was just in PA visiting some friends and had some very intense and intelligent conversation about every aspect of my life which led me to a radical re-assessing. I have some decisions to make about a lot of things and it's been weighing on me since I got back into Florida. The point is I have all this going on inside but already there are external or internal forces trying to get my mind and focus away from what I may need to do and focus it back onto what is. Last year I looked at my life and thought to myself that I should just lie back and accept it and that what was going on was as good as it was going to get. Quite a fatalistic attitude I know but I felt like this is it and I need to get used to it because nothing is going to change, this is how it's been so this is what I have to look forward to in the future. Of course that kind of thinking is wrong and the trip I took knocked me out of that loop but it is crazy how life and the things I've grown used to are trying to work their way back into my head. I find it amazing when decisions or realizations are made how quickly outside forces rise up and try to strangle it.

Luckily though we have the ability to defy the laws of physics. We have an agent that helps us knock those external or internal forces out of the way so we can stay in motion towards where we need to be and what we need to do. (Of course science buffs I'm not speaking of defying the laws of physics in the natural world, I'm referring to the spiritual). This agent of change isn't an Obama speech or half baked change platitudes, we have God himself in us and working through us to bring about the change he desires and in many cases inspired. I've found that this process can be broken down into something like this:

1) We identify a need or are inspired to make some sort of change, so we get excited and talk about it and plan for it and begin to make the necessary steps in a particular direction

2) We lose momentum and we allow cares of this world, worries, situations and complications, and apathy to set in and our motion gets slower and slower due to the forces acting upon it

3) We cease pursuing wondering what happened, why are we still at the same place, and why hasn't anything changed? And here its where motion stops.. The good thing though is that it is at this point where God will nudge us and get us back in motion and have us rolling again to where we need to be or what we need to do. We have to be open to that nudging and when we start moving again to keep it going by not paying attention to what's trying to steal or halt our motion. J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a poem, 3 different versions appear in the the Hobbit and Lord of the Rings, that I think describes this process in a nutshell:

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with weary feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

Thirsty

Currently I am in the great state of Pennsylvania. I am fairly mercenary about states though, my favourite one being where I find myself. So right now PA is my fave in spite of the bitter cold. I am here visiting my oldest and closest friend Mike and some other really good friends I've made throughout the years I've been visiting here (One of whom is graciously putting me up for a few days.). Mike's father is a pastor and this morning I went to their service and Mike preached this morning about how God cuts our story out of us and gives us his own story. If you stop and think about it it is really quite profound: God imparts himself to us empowering us to live a life above what we could make for ourselves. The agent of this cutting being the sword of the spirit which the books of Ephesians and Hebrews says is the Word of God, and that Word of God is alive, sharp, and powerful enough to pierce our souls. It is already understood that Jesus is the Word made flesh, incarnated if you prefer, and dwelt among us. There is a lot of teaching on that aspect but not a lot of teaching on the aspect of the Word of God being alive. Today I think that some puzzle pieces clicked together in my mind concerning this and I felt like sharing it.

For the past few months I have been reading more voraciously then normal, and for me normal is quite a lot so for me to say that I'm reading more then my usual is saying something. (You may be wondering what this has to do with my previous paragraph, but if you stick around it will make sense). Needless to say I have been devouring books. While reading I have been feeling sort of like a traveller lost in the Sahara Desert: that almost frantic feeling of fear once the realization hits that I don't know where I am. It’s been like that when I've been reading. Something in me has been yearning for something MORE and none of the books I've been reading have been able to assuage that feeling. True I've read some books and am reading books that are striking emotional resonances within me. I'm currently reading God in Search of Man by Abraham Heschel and it is a profound book of religious Jewish philosophy and his comments on the nature of God are amazing. I'm reading through Encounters with Merton by Henri Nouwen and am gleaning a lot from it and even though it is a slim volume it has a lot of insight. However there is a profound difference between books written about God and the book that contains the Word of God. As I was listening to the sermon this morning I was reading along in my Bible with the scriptural quotations being used and I realized that this was what I was missing and I felt like an idiot because the answer was there in front of my face the whole time. As I was reading it I could feel the disconnect in my soul reconnect with the divine and I realized that I have spent far too little time in the Word and with the Word and spent too much time reading about the Word. As I read scripture the yearning I had inside was satisfied.

One of the Psalms says, "As the deer longs for streams of water, so I long for you Oh God." Thinking about that passage took on deeper significance for me this morning. One thing I love about scripture is that there can be a passage that you've read over and over again, then in one moment it becomes alive in your heart and takes on a meaning it didn't previously have. If Christ is the Word incarnate, made flesh, I do not think it is a stretch to say that as we read the words of God that THE Word of God incarnates in the words we read in scripture piercing our hearts and transforming us more into what we are supposed to be and what it is possible for us to become. Thomas Merton wrote, "By the reading of scripture I am so renewed that all seems to be renewed around me and with me. The sky seems to be a pure, cooler blue, the trees a deeper green, light is sharper on the outlines of the forest and the hills and the whole world is charged with the glory of God and I feel fire and music in the earth under my feet." I really like that but I also like the fact that this not only happens to us without, it also happens to us within: truth is illuminated, will is discerned, paths are made straight, chaos gives way to peace, and emotional tumult gives way to wholeness.

If love was a plane..

This one has been a long time in the making. When I mentioned to a friend the subject of what I'm going to write about, he looked at me and said one word, "Why?" I thought for a minute and replied, "Because I need to."

I let go of Candice last year and am back to my usual chipper self but this has been running around in my head for a while. Possibly my compulsion to write about it, to get it out in the open, which is antithetical to my usual desire for privacy, will serve as a final expulsion of anything left in me that cared for her. At the end the whole episode turned out to be fairly brutal and painful and while going through it I did the opposite of what I normally do, I clammed up. I never wrote about it, I put off talking about it after it happened and when I finally did the first person I told lives a few states away. The first few weeks I was numb and it felt like I was living in a state of perpetual fugue. Hurts like this always take time to heal, and hurts on this scale irrevocably leave scars, but such is the peril of love I suppose. Brad Paisley quips that if love were a plane, no one would get on because statistically the chances of love working out is substantially worse then the statistical probability of a plane crash. But we all line up anyway and board a plane that sometimes only has one engine and half a wing that serves terrible food, and is piloted by drunken chimpanzees. Yet we gleefully and with expectant hope line up anyways, boarding passes clutched tightly in our hands eager to get on board and get flying. As cynical as my previous statements sound though I'd gladly grab my ticket and queue with everyone else because eventually I'll board the right flight and survive the trip even if my previous travels never took me where I wanted to go.

I think that I latch on to women too quickly. I don’t know why I’m wired that way. All it takes is a few good dates, a couple of kisses and I’m sold. Combine that with another person who was also searching for love and romance and you get a potent mélange of neediness and codependency. I have to say though when I finally started talking about it my friends really stepped up to the plate. They constantly called, never judged, were always quick to take me out and not leave me alone if I was especially down. I have to say though Silas called it from the very beginning (his predictions about women in my life are surprisingly prescient). Ah well regardless the whole situation left me well aware of a few things:

1) I am supremely unlucky at love

2) I tend to latch on too quickly rather then let things develop slowly

3) I have no idea how to be in a relationship that lasts longer then 6 months

4) I’m getting too old for this crap

Socrates said, “And in knowing that you know nothing, makes you the smartest of all.” By that rationale I should be a pro at this but I still feel like I’m playing in the Little League. Maybe my stats would improve if I didn’t draft from the injured list, but when injuries are internal it’s more difficult to judge. When you consider that along with my very linear approach to problem solving and desire to help whomever I care about creates a situation that may be detrimental but Ill still try anyway because it’s better then being alone. At least my focus is off myself and on someone else. That may be wrong and I’m pretty sure it is, but at the end of the day maybe the philosophical question I should focus on is “know thyself” rather then “give yourself away.”

Larry, Linda, and Michael Chabon

A lot has been on my mind, but what else is new? I'm usually mulling something over in my head like a cow chewing cud over and over again until whatever I was thinking about takes shape or gets swallowed with everything else. Sometimes I'm able to get it down on paper, sometimes it may just end up as voice memo on my iPhone that I never revisit. I've got a lot going on upstairs today... I've been thinking specifically about my life and my relation from where I am to what I want. But what do I want? Interesting question. A home? A person to share my life, such as it is, with? A job that makes me feel like I am doing something of value and helping not only myself but others? The answer is suppose is yes to all of the above, but on top of that I have been thinking about family. I thought a lot about my brother today. I'm currently reading Michael Chabon's sort of autobiography Manhood for Amateurs. (On a side note if you have never read anything by Michael Chabon do yourself a favour and pick up a copy of the book I just mentioned or The Yiddish Policeman's Union, or Gentlemen of the Road. Chabon is such a good writer, his prose is so evocative, it makes me want to cry or laugh or both. Maybe it's because his characters are mostly Jews and I've always felt since I was small that it was a part of my heritage that I wish I would have learned more about. Apart from my Nana sending me Hanukkah presents every year and a few books about the Maccabees, I never learned anything about my culture. Maybe these books help me reconnect with that part of myself. After all if we don't know where we come from how can we truly know ourselves?) Anyways.. back to my brother and family.

In Manhood for Amateurs, Chabon relates a story of how he and his brother shared a corned beef sandwich and reminisced about times when they were children and how the younger brother would follow him even if he was wrong and would trust him even if they didn't know where they were or what they were doing. It made me think about my little brother, who is now a not so little 26. Like Chabon's brother, my brother looked up to me quite a bit. As a result I felt like I had to be the kind of brother that was worthy of being an example, which of course is ludicrous as I couldn't be an example to a blind squirrel much less a flesh and blood relative. So like Chabon, I faked it. If I told my brother a story he would believe it, if I asked him to do something he would do it no questions asked. If I told him to fill his mouth with strawberry jam and spit it out as I shot him with a toy Beretta, he would do it and enthusiastically show it to my parents just for good measure. "Hey look at what Michael showed me how to do." Then I left for Africa. I don't know what kind of effect that had on him. He wound up coming to South Africa too a few years later but I wondered if it was for the experience or if he just wanted to follow his older brother. I wonder how he was treated at home if he didn't measure up. My parents aren't idiots and they are great parents and would never tell him, "why can't you be like your older brother?" But I always wondered that whenever he got in trouble even if they didn't say it if he could see it behind their eyes? I do not think that was the case because we couldn't ask for better parents but kids see what they want to see sometimes. I have always had this underlying pressure to be a good older brother and this has only increased with age. The older I get the more I want to strive to be a better brother, a better example but this is not healthy I think. Firstly I don't feel like I'm worthy of being emulated. In fact I hope my brother does not make the same mistakes I did, I hope he does the opposite of what I do, I pray sometimes he makes choices completely antithetical to mine. My life isn't a great example and I don't want to be one, but regardless of what I want I always will be because I'm the older brother.

My sister and I are a different story, we never saw eye to eye on anything. I suppose it is the typical thing for an older child to believe that having a little sister is more of a nuisance than anything. But that's a lie, she wasn't a nuisance and we got on very well until two things happened: My brother got old enough to play with me, and my sister became a teenager. Sometimes I wonder if she resented the fact that I transferred a large part of my brotherly affections to my little brother. My sister had a rough teenage experience. Lets just say it was difficult on my parents but not so much on me because I didn't really care because when she was a teenager I didn't like her at all. I thank God that our relationship is good now and we have a great rapport. She's given me 2 adorable nieces to spoil rotten and I do whenever I see them, but Amanda just a little bit more because she was first. The repair in our relationship began when I went to Africa again, this time for her wedding. We had a great time and I saw for the first time the woman my sister has become because she finally realized her worth and saw the kind of woman she could be and is.

This whole blog has been a massive departure from my usual navel gazing about God and faith and how it all fits in with my life. I've had it on my mind though all day and it feels good to get it out and down. Hopefully if Larry and Linda read it they'll both see something good in it and the love it contains and remember an easier, simpler time when I was still the older brother but we were still just kids playing in my sandbox in the back yard.

Pad Thai faith

Everyone's favourite Thai place makes the best Thai food. Ask any one of your friends and they all will give you a different place to eat. I happen to like Pilin Thai in Altamonte Springs, Florida the best. Their chicken Pad Thai is nothing short then a gastronomic miracle. Add some chilis to the dish and it transcends the material plane and becomes divinity on a plate. High praise indeed. When I bring people to Pilin I tell them to order the Pad Thai, and they normally do, and then after they finish they all say the same thing, "Well i really liked it but the Pad Thai at Sea, or Napasom, or Thai House is better." Now I want my Thai place, Pilin, to have the best Pad Thai so I inevitably go to one of the Thai places my friends prefer. Usually I leave disappointed. I have had some truly disappointing Pad Thai at some of these places. Sometimes the sauce is too sweet, sometimes it is too thick, ands sometimes the flavours don't combine right. This never happens at Pilin. The bean sprouts, egg, chicken, chilis, rice noodles, garlic, and tamarind all combine perfectly into a harmonious whole. Always cooked well, always cooked right and always delicious. Pilin works for me. Sometimes I have Pad Thai, sometimes I have masaman curry, and sometimes I order something else I can't spell. The point is whatever I order there is always good, always satisfies, and always makes me leave with a smile on my face. There may be better Thai place out there some where but I haven't found it yet.

I can't help but compare my Thai food experiences with church and faith because I try and relate everything I come across to faith and church because that's just how my mind works. Sometimes when looking for a body of believers to join with in worship things just seem to fit. The messages seem to always hit home, the music never fails to move the soul, the sense of community the congregation fosters as they break up and begin to leave after the benediction is one of acceptance and love. All these parts combine to form a harmonious whole that doesn't satisfy the needs of the body but rather the needs of the soul. (Now I know a few of you may say now Mike you mean it meets the needs of our spirit, but the New Testament writers use soul and spirit interchangeably so I think I can get away with it.) Some other people's church may be bigger or flashier, it may have resources beyond what other places may have but is it the right place for you?

I think the key to finding a good church is to find a place that not only meets your needs but also prompts you to tell others about it, not out of duty or because the pastor has asked, but rather out of genuine love for the people there and to spread that camaraderie and community to those who need it. Like my Thai place churches come in different sizes and flavours, made with different ingredients, comprised of different peoples with differing levels of theological training and experience, but all united in one common cause: to help carry each others burdens and to take the love of God and the good news of Jesus to people out there who need it and not only to people in need of a message but people looking for a place to belong. So if you are involved at a church that meets your needs and that fosters a deeper faith and love for God and others, tell people about it. Tell your friends, tell your family, tell your co-workers spread it around. After all, churches are there to spread the message of Christ and to foster community, some may do it better then others but find the one that fits you the best, and then tell others.